And So It Goes
by YanksLuver
Summary: While lying in bed, Robin and Patrick separately reflect on what they feel and the words they can't seem to speak aloud.


**Title**: And So It Goes  
**Author**: Steph  
**Rating**: PG  
**POV**: Alternates between Robin/Patrick  
**Pairing**: Patrick/Noah, Robin/Patrick  
**Category**:Drama/Romance  
**Disclaimer**: I do this out of a love for this couple. No infringement is intended.  
**Spoilers**: 6/21 episode  
**Summary**: While lying in bed, Robin and Patrick separately reflect on what they feel and the words they can't seem to speak aloud.

**Note**: Iwrote this a while ago, right after the terrace scene at the MetroCourt, so they obviously haven't ended thing between them. I heard the Billy Joel song "And So It Goes" on the radio and I thought it fit Scrubs perfectly. I haven't done a song fic in years, but this one just wouldn't leave me alone. Very short. This switches back and forth between Robin and Patrick's POV, changing after each verse of lyrics. It should be clear whose POV from what they're thinking. I didn't want to note it because I felt like that would ruin the flow. So, hope you enjoy it and please let me know what thought! -Steph

**_---And So It Goes: Part 1/1 ---_**

_In every heart there is a room  
A sanctuary safe and strong  
To heal the wounds from lovers past  
Until a new one comes along_

I trace my thumb across the stubble on your chin and then along your lower lip, as you blow out little breaths of air. Sometimes I'll just watch you sleep for hours.

I love watching you. When I'm feeling really brave and bold, I'll even whisper "I love you".

The silence and darkness swallow the words. You never hear them.

I honestly never thought you would come along. I thought I was done with love. I had experienced first love and mature love, and I'd had my heart broken both times. I figured that was it for me. I had loved and been loved twice in my life. That's twice more than some people ever experience. I was lucky, right? Except when you've loved and lost at such a young age, what does that leave you to look forward to?

But I'd resigned myself. I didn't think it would happen and the part of me that was still broken and bruised didn't want it to. It felt like a piece of me died with Stone and I never wanted to open myself up like that again. And when I finally did with Jason, I got my heart handed back to me. A piece of me died with that love, too.

So, I figured, what did I have left to give? And was I willing to part with it? Was I willing to risk what remained of me and my heart?

And then I met you. As much as I tried to deny it, as much as I tried to fight it, I couldn't stop you from entering the part of my heart that remained. The part of my heart that, without even realizing it, I'd been saving for you.

_I spoke to you in cautious tones  
You answered me with no pretense  
And still I feel I said too much  
My silence is my self defense_

I feel your thumb on my chin and then you run it across my lip. I wake sometimes from your gentle touch, but I never let on. Instead, I stay still, enjoying the feel of you. I let your warmth wash over me.

I watch you when you sleep, too. I'll even have one-sided conversations with you. First, I'll say something completely jackass-like that I know you wouldn't be able to resist responding to, just to test you and make sure you're still asleep.

Then, I'll tell you all the things I can never say if you were looking me in the eye. I tell you that every moment we spend apart makes me ache. I tell you I can't wait to see your face again every time we part. I tell you how you make my heart beat faster every time I hear your voice.

I tell you I love you.

These are the things I say to you, but only the silence hears me. When we're standing face to face and I look into your eyes, I can't find the words to express how I feel. My fears and insecurities seem to swallow me whole. I never say what I mean.

And even when I do, like how much I like you, I feel as if I've said too much. I feel as if you can see through my words, you can see what I truly mean. I feel as if I've bared my soul and I'm standing naked in front of you. And there's no place to hide.

Even when I think I can't help myself and the words seem to be slipping past my lips without my permission, like what I think when I look at you as we're lying in bed, I can't seem to follow through. The words vanish into thin air. So I make a joke or I say nothing at all instead.

My silence protects me, protects my heart. It is my wall.

_And every time I've held a rose  
It seems I only felt the thorns  
And so it goes, and so it goes  
And so will you soon I suppose_

You're beautiful, inside and out. You don't know even know the kind of person you really are, the kind of man you can be. But I do. I see it, even if you can't.

There are moments when you look at me and I can see what you feel for me. And it's beautiful, too.

But I've had beautiful before. Stone's love was beautiful because he taught me how to be free. Jason's love was beautiful because he made me feel alive again, not broken or damaged.

But beauty doesn't last. It fades. I know that now. I've learned that lesson all too well.

So, I'll hold onto whatever you give me, whatever I can find. I'll hold on and enjoy it while it lasts because I know someday it will be gone, just like the others.

_But if my silence made you leave  
Then that would be my worst mistake  
So I will share this room with you  
And you can have this heart to break_

Sometimes I wonder how long we can go on like this. How long can we dance around our feelings, pretend like there's nothing more when we both know there is. Sometimes I'm scared that the words left unsaid between us, that my words, will make you disappear one day.

And as I lay here and look at you, I know I can't allow that to happen. Though it scares me to think of letting you in and then losing you, it doesn't scare me half as much as never really having you at all.

So I'll give you my heart and I'll give you the power to break it.

_And this is why my eyes are closed  
It's just as well for all I've seen  
And so it goes, and so it goes  
And you're the only one who knows_

I close my eyes. I'll keep them closed and hold on tight. I'll hold on to you. I'll forget my fears and the past and I'll just hang on, for as long as you'll let me. Even if you don't realize it.

_So I would choose to be with you  
That's if the choice were mine to make  
But you can make decisions too  
And you can have this heart to break_

But I wonder...do you really feel the same? I wonder if I ever found the courage to break my silence, knock down my wall, and speak the words, would you speak them back to me?

They say actions speak louder than words. I've always believed that because my words so often say nothing at all. So I wonder if you feel my love when I kiss you, if you feel it when I touch you. I look into your eyes, I hear your sighs, and I think you do, but who can ever know for sure?

But this heart is yours to do with as you please, even if you don't know it. Even if you never do.

_And so it goes, and so it goes  
And you're the only one who knows_

I run my thumb across your dimple and bring my hand to your cheek.

I whisper, "I love you".

And I swear I see a smile spread across your lips.

**------------------------------------------THE END-----------------------------------------------  
**Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it and please let me know what you thought. -Steph.


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